Dysautonomia of the Mind

With mental health issues becoming more and more common and concerning, how the mind functions requires our fullest attention. 

Just as your heart beats without you and your lungs pull air on their own, though you can take control of your breathing as you wish, your brain is always producing thought whether you are consciously thinking or not. 

Your dreams don’t feel like you thought them up because you didn’t — your brain was thinking on its own. Your brain is a shark, swimming for a living; in sensory deprivation the brain quickly creates hallucinations in order to continue to experience stimulation where none exists. Your brain is always thinking in the background, even if you cannot perceive those thoughts. 

What your brain thinks all on its own is undoubtedly crucial to understanding one’s mental health. But how do we learn to hear our brain’s automatic thoughts, or at least shift them in the right direction?

Dysautonomia, a physical condition affecting the things your body is supposed to do on its own, such as breathing, digesting, and maintaining blood pressure, has been found to be linked to several mental health conditions, such as autism and ADHD. I myself happen to have dysautonomia and ADHD with suspected autism. It occurs to me that perhaps some symptoms of mental health problems are in fact a kind of dysautonomia of the mind. When you are depressed or anxious, your brain appears to be producing negative thoughts on its own, without being caused by outside circumstances. Could this model of thought and mental health be the key to finding new modalities of healing? I think it’s worth looking into. 

Potential is the Secret to Joy

Do not look with wonder at the masters of crafts or sciences; admire instead the natural imagination of a child to sees potential in anything. If you can realize the potential of the present moment and truly connect with that feeling, you have recaptured the spirit of a child who so naturally explores their imagination to the fullest, in joy and wonder and laughter.

On Suicide and Self-Destruction

[This could be triggering — but that’s the last thing I intend. If you are suicidal, please reach out. And if you have no one you can talk to, please talk to me.]

So you want to die. Maybe you’ve already opened your skin a little, to see blood and feel alive. I’m not going to tell you how to live — I’m going to tell you how to kill your Self, your ego that hurts so much. And maybe it’s the weirdest advice you’ll ever hear, but life is fucked up sometimes, so hear me out.

You can be free from yourself, and it’s just as thrilling as jumping into traffic. It’s as hardcore as cutting and the risks are high.

Imagine you’re already dead — your Self doesn’t matter — life doesn’t matter — you’re a ghost. Kill yourself in your mind, now, and cut your soul so deep you might never be the same.

You’re already dead; so you have nothing to fear. No responsibilities to worry about.

Have you ever dreamed of throwing yourself in front of an 18-wheeler? With all the thrill of pain and terror and meeting the unknown? I have a different way, and I won’t tell you it’s any better, but why not try? You’re already dead, so what have you got to lose?

Throw yourself in front of a lonely stranger and ask them if they’re okay. Then just listen, like the ghost you are.

I don’t know what will happen. No one does. But you’re dead, so don’t take things so seriously. Laugh like it’s all a joke, this life, and give up all the fear you have left.

Be free from yourself for a little while. It’s a terrifying and thrilling thing. You might find it more exciting than opening your skin or getting high. Instead of giving up your blood and pain, give up energy and time. It’s as risky a sacrifice as physical destruction.

Try something just as exhilarating as standing on the very edge of a bridge. Jump off the edge of your Self and its fears. If you’re into risky behaviour, take risks with your heart and soul.

It may not feel better. And I know you just want to feel better, at the heart of it all. But maybe, just maybe, you’ll find a reason to stay out of traffic and get in front of other people’s rushing souls instead. Maybe if you kill yourself and your fears in your mind, you’ll find the freedom to be yourself in life.

Multiplicity and Voice

I identify as a multiple, and one of the more interesting things about this is I can sing in different voices, which represent different personalities.

This is Robert (it IS me singing, no audio changes, but in Robert’s voice).

 

And this is Shannon, singing along to Tori Amos.

 

And this is more or less me, Story, singing Bon Iver’s Holocene.

 

This last one is a totally improvised, original song by Story.

Emptiness and Qiinuituk

In emptiness we come face to face with ourselves and the infinite. There is great peace to be found if we can accept a moment alone with our soul and the land and the universe.

Where I live in Canada there have been weeks of grey days. But I feel the heartbeat of the land that is more authentic joy than a glint of sunlight…the beat of Life.

The Inuit have a word for the meditative peace of emptiness, which in their barren landscapes has been anything but empty.

Qiinuituk…

“This is when you are alone, the lonely living thing far away from earthly things and filled with peace. This sense of peace fills every corner of your mind. It is more satisfying than any joy you have ever experienced in your conscious life because it runs deeper than happiness. It can mend broken thoughts and feelings, and having experienced it gives you the knowledge that it can come again when you feel there is nowhere to go.” (Quoted in Inuit Women: Their Powerful Spirit in a Century of Change By Janet Mancini Billson, Kyra Mancini)

Checking In

I want to reach out, I want to ask all of you — how are you doing today?

Does anyone need a helping hand? A bit of guidance? A kind word?

I’m here, holding space. I’d like to help.

Imagination is Real

When you deny the validity of your imagination, you are giving up the greatest power you have.

Awaken Your Senses, Change Your Perceptions

We are each responsible for creating our own reality through what we think  about and how we perceive experiences.

But this goes beyond mere positive thinking. If you exercise your imagination, you really, literally, do have the power to change your reality.

I have a way of imagining things to the point where what I’m imagining feels real — I can imagine myself feeling joyful, and actually ecstatically change my mood with minimal effort. I imagine the feeling, and then suddenly I’m experiencing the feeling as if I wasn’t producing it all on my own.

Start with a few exercises.

1. Eat something small and simple, like your favourite fruit. Enhance the taste mentally until it is the most delicious thing ever. Can you taste the difference?
2. Imagine eating something sour. Can you feel it like it’s really in your mouth, causing saliva to gather and other sensations?
3. Try to feel an imaginary touch on your skin. Can you give yourself shivers or goosebumps?
4. Imagine music, your favourite song, and try to bring the volume up and down in your mind.
5. If you have pain, try focusing on it analytically. Ask yourself, what does pain really feel like? Why does pain hurt? What is pain, anyway? When I do this, the pain temporarily disappears and I feel only a little pressure.
6. Finally, imagine joy and excitement. Use a memory if that helps. Can you feel it? Do you feel better, more joyful, than you did before you imagined it?

You really do have the power to create your own experience of the now. If you learn to use it, you can be utterly transformed and freed from old limitations.

Human Effort

There are days when you try to be an amazing person

and days when you just try to be a person

at all, still breathing, holding on.

This is the face of someone expertly trying only to breathe

— you probably can’t see it in her eyes,

which is why all judging is but a waste of time.

This is a plea for compassion

for everyone struggling to exist.

 

 

 

Spiritual Crisis

Recently I fell into a depression, to the point of being suicidal. I would like to reach out to those that have emailed me and apologize for my absence. I need some time to catch up, so please be patient just a little longer and I’ll write as soon as I can.

I have come out of this crisis, fully and completely, but when this happens to me I know that a big transformation is needed in my life. These phases are lessons — brutal as they may be, I always come out of them with renewed vigour and deep gratitude.

If you are experiencing a physical or mental health issue that seems to defy all reason and doesn’t respond to modern medicine, know that spirit may be calling you towards a course correction in your life. Often the answer is to change your perspective in a big way — even a paradigm shift — and commit with passion to express your soul’s unique set of gifts.

For me, a spirit guide brought me to a pit of water from which there was no easy escape. The first way out that I came up with involved waiting for the water to rise high enough so I could climb out. But the better answer was to use my shamanic skills and shapeshift into a bird, and simply fly away.

Shapeshifting is exactly what I need right now, and I think it is often the answer to our spiritual problems. Growth, change, and transformation can happen in a beautiful explosion when we are desperately pushed.