Faith in the Universe Makes for Joy in Hard Times

I always trust that the universe is looking out for me. Naturally I take all the steps necessary to look out for myself, like leaving an unhealthy work environment and cutting off contact with my family who are doubtful and hostile about my abuse survivor story. I always feel the universe sends signs that I’m on the right track and blesses me with events that work out in my favour. So I would like to give my thanks and gratitude in written words now.

I am very grateful for Willow’s mother, who is like a fierce mama bear when it comes to her children. She shows her care for me, too, in many ways. She is willing to provide a temporary home for Willow and I in her house, and we can tell she’s thinking of the best way she can help financially, though we haven’t asked for that kind of help. She also responded to my story of abuse in a wonderfully appropriate way — she became angry and said that my father should be castrated, forced to eat his nuts, and then be shot in the head. With her, I can talk about anything — she’s absolutely raw and open in conversation. She even asked about my scars. They’re very obvious if you’re looking at my arm or legs, but in 10 years my own family have never said a word.

Also, Willow’s mom knows we’re under extreme stress and is sending us back to Algonquin for a little vacation in the beginning of October. That place is so healing to Willow and I. The original plan was that she would come too, but she doesn’t want to right now so she’s offered to pay for our room so we can still go. Having this little trip to heaven is a wonderful thing to look forward to and the universe always shows us something new and amazing there. My inner kids are beyond excited to go back to “Gonky”.

I am grateful for friends, new and old, even ones I’ve never met, who offer such beautiful words of support and understanding. Thank you to you all.

I am grateful for Social Services, which has a one-time-only emergency dental program for adults in pain. They are going to extract my infected, excruciating tooth for a mere $10. I have to be on antibiotics for a week, but then I won’t be up half the night in agony anymore! I haven’t had any health or dental insurance since I was a child, and Canada provides nothing for dental work unless you’re on disability or welfare. For me, it is a blessing just to be out of pain. (And I get to eat Willow’s yummy mashed potatoes for a week!!!)

I am grateful that my former boss of 12 years is “playing nice” (despite all my knowledge to the contrary of his true character) and has emailed me something of a glowing letter of reference.

I am grateful my doctor seems willing to help me apply for a disability. Though I’ve never been very candid with him, I imagine he has…”interesting” reports from my time at an outpatient hospital program. I have an appointment with my disability worker this week, and I am grateful this lady seems compassionate.

I am grateful for two dear friends who are willing to foster my beloved cats temporarily. We are delivering them when we go to Algonquin. Though I hate to be parted from them, it feels like the most responsible thing to do right now. And I am so grateful that my timid Lenka loves these people, so I don’t have to worry about him being scared.

I’m grateful for my local counseling centre, which has given us a year of free therapy, which is rare. Though I only have 9 sessions left now, I’ve had about 40 already and I’m told I can come back for more if needed after a break as short as two months.

Lastly, I am grateful for Willow, forever and always. She juggles all the logistics of keeping us afloat and keeping me feeling safe and happy. She is a wonder woman. Though she has too many illnesses to name, she does nearly everything for me and all without complaining. She cooks, drives, cleans, does laundry, even makes all my clothes by hand. Not to mention that my mental health is her chief concern. She’s a live-in therapist, best friend, advocate, mother figure for my inner kids, and my wife and soulmate. My love for her is beyond words.

I have so much to be grateful for right now, I am sure I am missing something! I am peaceful, happy, and excited for what the universe will bring next.

 

 

 

 

Breaking Silence with Family, Part 2

So, forget everything I said about my mother being compassionate and understanding. I have now been faced with nothing but hostility from my family, who think I am merely stirring up drama. I spoke to my mother on the phone, who was very cold. She said, “why can’t you just let it go? Why do you have to stir it up now?” To which I responded that I was letting her go, at which point I hung up and removed my whole family from facebook. She was angry because my partner posted about the importance of supporting survivors on my facebook. I suppose she wanted me to be silent after all.

Oddly, I feel good. I feel free, I feel strong. I don’t have to deal with their crap — and they can let it eat away at them.

Breaking Silence with Family

Over the past few days, I have begun opening up to my family about the sexual abuse from my biological father. Being silent has isolated me from them, and now I’m on the verge of homelessness. I wanted them to have some understanding before I simply disappeared from their lives. Also, my healing has made me strong enough to find my voice, and it’s my right to speak my truth.

Given the emotional struggles I’ve been through, the way I’ve always been viewed as “odd” and “terribly shy”, and the physical scars I bear, the abuse should come as no surprise. Especially since my biological father has admitted to some abuse and was taken to court by his ex-girlfriend for molesting her daughter.

My mother and one of my sisters responded with concern and love. My mother appears to believe me wholeheartedly, but my other sister responded with coldness and skepticism, which is especially sad because she is a mother with two kids under 15.

In a perfect world, abuse survivors would always be believed. At the very least, I think when family members open up about any distress, the first response should be compassion — one can ask skeptical questions at a more appropriate time, if that’s really necessary.

The hard thing is that survivors really are responsible for their own healing and survivorship. I refuse to need anything from this sister, and although her reply was hurtful, I refuse to be hurt. I know my truth. It makes no difference what she thinks. She simply can’t cope, and the fact is, I’m the stronger one.

 

 

A Minimalist Life

Our circumstances have led us to start getting rid of nearly everything we own, and the freedom this brings is exhilarating. Our home is going from cluttered to positively empty — a room once used for storage is already bare.

Our ultimate dream has always been to live in a one-room place, simple and plain as can be. We don’t need “pretty”, we don’t need picket fences. In fact we turn away from these things in favour of decorations found in nature — sticks and branches, stones and animal skulls. We like simple and functional furniture found in garbage piles. We generally don’t keep mementos; instead we keep craft materials like leather and clay, things we can use to advance our creativity and feed our souls.

Now our dream is coming true. We are insanely excited to leave our two-bedroom apartment and make a home of a cheap secondhand trailer, provided that we can find one. I’ve left my unhealthy work environment, hoping to get freelance editing work. There is no security in what we’re doing, but we feel these are the best decisions we’ve ever made in our life. Security often keeps people imprisoned and wary of going after their real dreams. I find that true security is found in faith in the universe and believing in ourselves to get through difficulty.

If you have a dream, just pursue it. Make the jump and trust in the universe. All the worries of “what if” only serve to manifest trouble — manifest hope instead.

 

Changes

Last night I made a huge step in leaving an unhealthy work environment that I’ve been stuck in for 12 years. I went to the office, packed up all my things and left the key. I am basically waiting to be fired. Why? Because the man I work for, who was always talking about this terrible cult he’d been involved in, hasn’t really left the cult at all. He’s a sick person for a number of reasons and I can’t be there anymore.

My partner and I will have to overhaul our life, but we’re viewing it as an adventure. We’re looking for a cheaper apartment and have even approached my mother-in-law about going to live with her for a little while. We’ve even entertained the notion of living in a camping trailer. We don’t need much, we’ve never wanted much. We just want peace and quiet, and to continue our main hobby of photographing nature and wildlife.

It’s frightening because we have nothing, no savings at all, only bills we can’t pay. But I’ve been keeping this job for so long on the premise that I can’t afford to quit. Now we’re just going to take the leap on blind faith and really make the change happen.

The universe has always taken good care of me, and it has gotten me this far. I simply have to trust and take my blessings in whatever form they come. Please wish us luck!

 

Visions of War

I’m not one to fixate on apocalyptic prophecy (or the future in general), but I do pay attention to my own dreams. And when I have three bizarre dreams in a row about the same thing, I’m definitely motivated to keep my eyes open to what it might mean in my waking world. I’ve had many dreams come true in very literal ways shortly after I’ve had them. For instance, If I dream about seeing an particular kind of owl in a particular place, I expect this to actually happen (and it has). I’m not used to analyzing my dreams in a more symbolic way.

Recently I’ve had three dreams about terrifying explosions in the sky. In the first dream, it was understood that the explosions were America being bombed (as seen, somehow, from my place in Canada). In the second dream, lines like contrails (aka chemtrails) drew all over the night sky, and then exploded. The third dream was very similar to the second.

So I’m going to try to get some answers through waking visions, a practice I’ve been working on instead of more traditional shamanic journeys. But I’m interested in what you think: are dreams meaningful for you? How do your dreams relate to the waking world? How do you interpret them? Do your dreams come true, either literally or symbolically? Have you had similar dreams recently, or heard of others who have? Tell me about your experiences!

I Will Not Be Silent (trigger warning: abuse)

My sexual abuse spoken-word poetry. Because silence empowers no one and accomplishes nothing.

 

What the World Forgets

Material realms manifest without memory; everything happens

without knowledge or lore. In life you only move, falling

off the cliff’s edge to unbecome, forgotten

every moment by space and solidness. But spirit forgets

nothing, not you, kings and gods, not trees, rivers and rocks.

In spirit nothing happens but everything is,

simply is,

as still as stone and just as sure

— or surer, still remembered when all is dust.

 

 

 

Dreams Come True

Willow got us to our favourite place, Algonquin Park, in honour of my birthday. We weren’t planning on going at all and it was a whirlwind of getting ready. The first night there, we were told that moose sightings were low and indeed we only saw fox. But there was magic in the air and the next day didn’t disappoint us.

I had been dreaming and having visions of being up North and seeing wolves. The message “wolf on a hill” kept coming to me, but since this was the big message and experience of our last trip, I didn’t think it would happen again. Wolf sightings are rare. But it did happen. Coming up a hill a wolf ran across the road, and later that night we howled at that spot…and the wolf pack howled back, loud and near. We had a whole conversation with them until they stopped answering.

The milky way was bright in the sky and meteors streaked above us. We saw a mother moose with her itty bitty baby; we called back and forth to a bull and sow somewhere in the woods; we saw beavers and a weasel and a huge bear at the town dump.

The next morning, we were full up and grateful for it all, but the universe kept on giving. Two wolves ran right in front of us in broad daylight on that same hill. Then, we watched a mother bear with her two cubs eating blueberries 50 feet from the road.

Finally, we stopped at Tory Hill on the way home to do some rock hounding, and came out with a bowl full of beautiful green apatite crystals. What a gift!

My Multiple Birthday

Yesterday was our birthday (for those of you who don’t know, I identify as a multiple and often use pronouns like “we” or “our”). For the sake of our wee ones, we’re making it a weekend-long extravaganza, which is extra fun because today is a holiday in Canada.

My partner Willow is excellent at extravaganzas of all sorts, so she’s making sure everything is awesome even while we do some heavy-duty emotional and memory work. She’s even tried to pull off an overnight trip to our favourite place (which we just couldn’t afford), and suggested a rock-hunting excursion (which is probably too physically demanding at the moment, but we’ll see what today brings). She made sure we could handle our brief appearance at the family BBQ, and basically is our hero in every way. We’re all so grateful for our “Woof Woof”, our partner, our best friend.

So today we’re making more little clay miniatures, watching cartoons, eating ice cream, and celebrating in every way we can. Any ideas? 🙂