Dissociation makes you less aware of your body and your surroundings. We all do it to some degree, some of the time — but when it’s severe and/or constant, it’s a problem.
While I was on my trip in Algonquin Park I had some major epiphanies that showed how dissociative I was in the past. The most surprising realization I had is that I actually take a size 11 woman’s running shoe, but had been wearing 8.5/9 runners all my adult life. There is no logical explanation for why I thought it was normal to wear shoes that consistently made my feet BLEED, to the point of scarring. This is how dissociation works: at the time, I knew my feet got a “little” blistered and I was somewhat aware that they bled. But I blocked out the pain and didn’t ever think that maybe I needed bigger shoes. I had no idea how shoes were supposed to fit. See, I was used to being grateful for the fact I had shoes at all (I usually only had one pair of shoes at a time). When I was growing up I couldn’t ask for clothes and I remember trying to hot-glue my only pair of shorts together for gym class when the zipper busted.
So when I was running after a moose in Algonquin and my feet got sore, Willow realized that something was wrong and I started wearing her runners instead (size 10 men’s). Today we got rid of all my old shoes and got me three pairs that actually fit: cute flats, nice boots, and runners (Value Village for the win!). I keep exclaiming in amazement how great they feel and how wonderful it is to be comfortable. I’ve never experienced this before and it’s blowing my mind.
I post this from time to time — it is my story. I am not my story, but I have overcome so much to get where I am, which is something worth honouring.
I want to reach out, I want to ask all of you — how are you doing today?
Does anyone need a helping hand? A bit of guidance? A kind word?
I’m here, holding space. I’d like to help.
Acorn babe says
maybe this is the afterlife,
because she’s awakened
to the Earth; she knows
she’s always been an oak.
Here Kassie babe reigns
as the lollipop queen, owning
her land, herself
as if there is no separation between
us and us and us.
There is only freedom,
full like a vast land that knows
though there’s no trees in sight.
I identify as a multiple, who is not suffering from dissociative identity disorder, but thriving with it. DID is a mental strategy to survive, and once freed from that survival situation, a multiple has near superhuman capabilities at her/his beck and call.
I have been trying to find a way to express my system, my parts, the essence and the variety of who we are. I think the best thing I can share right now is my Pinterest page…which is like a collage of our personalities. We create separate boards for our parts (not all our parts, but a good few), and each voice and flavour can be seen at a glance.
My Pinterest is here if you would like to see what I mean! https://www.pinterest.com/storykai/
I’ve been sick for about a month now, which made me feel like I couldn’t do anything, my spirituality dried up, and then I started to slip into sadness, feeling like a horrible person.
So I fight.
Willow got me a gorgeous, very special silver ring this week…I keep staring at it. She loves me, all my personalities, everything. And if I have her love I have nothing to be sad about…
This is just a fallow time. We all have them, it’s part of life, like Winter to the crops. I’m trying to be gentle to myself, and keep praying even when I don’t feel the same magic I used to. It will return.