Free Healing for PTSD Sufferers or Abuse Survivors

It has been a while since I offered free shamanic or spiritual healing, as I needed to recharge myself. Now I am ready to offer free shamanic healing again for those who suffer from mental illness, PTSD, or are struggling with past abuse issues. These are the areas I understand best. People have sometimes asked me about their love life or work, and I find I am better at healing rather than simply seeing future events.

I do believe that one must participate in one’s own healing, just as I believe that one can co-author one’s own future. So please be prepared: there will probably be homework involved!

My blog is full of details about my shamanic practices, so feel free to read, but don’t worry if you believe differently than I do. I am very open-minded and respectful towards the truths of other people’s hearts.

You can comment on this post or write to me at: abbawillow@gmail.com

The Signs of Nature

Here in Ontario, Canada, we’ve had a weird winter. Spring seems far in the distance, as a snow dump is expected this coming week. But I have seen a chipmunk already — this is, to me, the best prediction of weather. Somehow it already feels like Spring, despite the cold, and nature is telling the same story, if you just know the signs.

Long, long ago, long before science, long before tales of history can reach — in the times lost even to story, they are so ancient — people had ways of knowing and relating to nature. I suspect the bond between people and nature was womb-deep, umbilical, back-to-back and breath-to-breath.

The voice of nature must have been like a constant song in their minds, indistinct from their own thoughts.

People call this ‘mere instinct’ as if that is a scientific explanation. But instinct itself is unexplained. To me, there is no doubt that nature is alive with spirit, and still speaks to everything within it today.

Singing Meditation: the Magic of Overtones

So I had my first real practice session attempting to teach myself overtone singing. It’s exceptionally  meditative. When you’re in the zone, all your focus is on creating a harmonic vocalization, and your whole body is literally buzzing (resonating!) with its power. I can imagine lots of ways to easily incorporate this into spiritual and healing practices, but just playing around with it is great fun too. Whether you’re interested in singing, meditating, or healing, overtone singing is enormously satisfying. (It’s a cool party trick, too.)

I have shared some examples of my practice below but obviously I am just starting out. Listening with headphones is best. You’ll hear one note held, and then an otherworldly kind of ringing that fades in and out over top of that note. It almost sounds like microphone interference or something electronic — but it’s me! Cool, right?

Check out some how-to videos on Youtube if you’re interested and give it a try for yourself.

 

Singing, Healing, and Transformation

I have been excited to begin practicing Inuit throat-singing. I also have recently been drawn to the idea of overtone singing (where a singer can produce two distinct notes simultaneously), and I thought I might be able to achieve it. Turns out, it really is not as hard as it seems, and I heard the effect on my first try (albeit softly — I was shyly singing outside).

It is believed that a lot of emotion gets trapped in the chest, and with my history of trauma, I see throat-singing as a deep way to release it. It is raw, it is primal, it is shameless, and it is extremely powerful. In the past, I have done much screaming and I have sung lyrics that drove me to uncontrolled sobbing. With throat-singing, I hope to take those emotions and transform them, empowering them, as if turning a scream into a shield of strength.

Tanya Tagaq is a brilliant and lovely throat-singer who brings her Inuit roots to new life in song. This video is one of my favourites.

Meanwhile, overtone excites me because, firstly, I am most passionate when wildly challenged, and overtone singing takes some disciplined practice. I like trying to do things that seem impossible. Overtone singing, for me, is also a kind of expression of my multiplicity. I can already sing in many different voices and my range is half-decent. I have done “duets” where a female part of my personality sings the higher-ranges of a song, meanwhile a male personality sings the lower ranges. Or we split it up like a normal duet, as in songs like “The Phantom of the Opera” or “Come What May” where there is both a male and a female part.

I once gave a friend a recording of my male personality, Robert, singing a quite deep song. My friend was astounded that it was actually me, and listened to it again and again. so singing in general is an exciting expression and good therapy for my multiplicity, and overtone singing is like the ultimate way to give my personalities a voice simultaneously.

 

Song Spirit: Inuit Throat Singing

There is a bird

in my chest, in my throat, since

my first throat-spoken notes

uttered in the shower’s gasp. Hiding

under water, I opened my mouth,

giving lift to all that is rooted

in the unknown realms of Earth

and all that stretches up

to every unbounded sky.

 

Hum-ma um-ma, hum-ma um-ma,

hum-ma um-ma, hai! hai!

 

I did not recognize my voice

and that short flight of breath

left me on edge, thrilled with wanting

to leap

again and again,

and forget whether I’m falling

or rising.

 

Voices, Spirit, and Mental Health

Schizophrenia has often been associated with shamanism, ostensibly because shamans communicate with spirits, and some people with schizophrenia hear voices.

I am a spirit-worker and I believe that I communicate with spirits. Yet I have long wondered what it would be like to hear voices in a hallucinatory sense. How real would the voices sound? How would they compare to what I label as spirit communication?

Yesterday I experienced…something. Some would say it was a period of auditory and visual hallucinations. Others might say I was connected with spirit and energy in a way that enabled me to perceive what normally is not noticed.

These days, mental health advocates are quick to assert that hearing voices does not necessarily mean a person has a mental illness. I’m not sure that even the professionals can draw a clear line between voices heard due to mental illness and voices heard due to some other unstated cause. The distinction seems to be merely whether or not the voices are bothering the hearer, which gives the concept of “mental illness” a fluidity, an uncertainty.

Over the past months I had some episodes of hearing distinct, loud, frightening arguments between Willow and her mother which I came to know afterwards did not actually happen at all. I put it down to the noise of a distant television, but that hardly explained the accuracy of the pitch of the voices and the words I heard shouted.

From time to time I wondered, somewhat idly, if I could listen hard enough in perfect silence and meet the voices — be they hallucinations or spirits — halfway. I wasn’t inviting madness or self-destruction; I was simply curious.

Like most things, hearing voices (or spirits) isn’t a matter of pure effort and intention. Trying to hear voices got me nowhere in particular. But then one day I simply woke up very early in a silent house and my ears were buzzing with dialogue, in different voices, and phantom music that intruded upon my consciousness rather than originating from it.

What does it mean?

I am not the sort to require answers or reasons or proof beyond my own heart’s knowing. So I am completely untroubled, only excited and intrigued at this turn of events.

Similarly, I am learning not to jump at ghosts. Fear is losing its hold.

Some lovely people have reminded me about spiritual hygiene (clear your aura!) and the importance of grounding and shielding. As for shielding, I am finding that my experiences are the result of a door being consciously, willingly opened, and even now as I sit late at night in a silent house, I have to unlock and re-open that door to see and hear what I naturally tune out the rest of the time.

As for where this journey will take me, I believe that depends greatly upon how I choose to interpret and deal with what I hear and see. Being a spiritual person, I expect insight and wisdom, whereas one who self-identifies as mentally ill might expect only chaos and disturbance.

It is interesting, to say the least.

Spiritual Gifts: Seeing Energy, Hearing Wisdom

 

Today I had two unbelievably real encounters with the spirit realm. I never suspected it could feel so utterly realBut it did, even whilst my mind was being logical and scientific, trying to dismiss the whole thing.

First off, this morning I put on my little space heater under the desk, and a short while later  I saw that the airspace in the room had taken on the appearance of smoke. I could even see smoke-tendrils coming together and drifting apart, churning slowly and deliberately. I was so convinced that I immediately turned off the heater in case it was burning lint or something. However, that wasn’t necessary. The “smoke”, which was grey-white, simply did not exist in a corporeal sense. I think of it as seeing energy — the energy of all things, and the potential of all things. This energy swirled very organically all around the room.

Then I saw an odd blob of energy on the staircase that looked rather different, as it had some markings as if it were textured. At first I thought it was just my mother-in-law’s shoes as she walked downstairs, but instead it was a remarkably animated figure, full of motion and expression. I didn’t get up close to examine the energy, but at one point it looked like a cat — perhaps the spirit one of my own! (Which is a nice thought, but the cat it best resembled is still very much alive, living far away with friends.)

Next, I looked at streams and sparks of energy flying off a large wooden board that leans against the stairs. This piece of wood served as a perch for a very lively looking spirit-dove. Tendrils and sparks of energy swirled up together to form the dove right before my eyes. I was astounded again at how real it looked and moved, bobbing like it was eating, even though it was somewhat transparent and without colour.

As I write this, something just flashed in the corner of my eye, and what looks like a human being (although transparent) is sitting on the stairs. I might even know who it is — one of them, anyway, since the energy-form is changing and moving and transforming before my eyes. Is the spirit trying to choose a form in order to relate to me? Or do the forms all represent a single lifeline of reincarnations? My sense was of a man who didn’t know where to go or what to do next. I bid the spirit(s) welcome and offered words of advice and comfort about the afterlife and how letting go of baggage is important.

When I first I discovered I could see energy, over a year ago, it was much weaker and even required some imagination to help me believe in it. Now, when I look at my hands, sparks exactly like miniature lightning bolts fly from my skin. I can see coloured auras sometimes too, though I need more practice. Everything, absolutely everything, has this fine layer of sparks around it, like in the photos above. If I see a colour, I interpret that according to my own concordance, which differs from person to person. I can use auras for healing Willow by seeing where there is a yellow or red colour, and then I help it become blue. These colours however, are specific to Willow! On myself, I have found that yellow and pink auras represent good things.

Also…. I have a secret to share.

I have been hearing voices.

Yeah, it sounds scary and crazy, doesn’t it? But this, I firmly believe, is not simply my alternate personalities having a chat with each other. It’s been a gradual climb towards hearing the voices with any clarity, which happened for the first time upon waking up this morning. Until today, I couldn’t figure out if I had voices or not, and so far the chatter seems benign, even light. The voices are muted and I can only make out a few words and/or phrases. I believe I have heard both male and female voices, and the volume level goes up and down randomly.

Sometimes I hear instrumental music too, quite vividly. Lately it’s been native flutes. The phenomenon may be completely similar to “getting a song stuck in your head”, but for me, it is usually spirit-sent and therefore achingly beautiful. I have been known to hunt down these non-existent sounds in pursuit of the beautiful songs that I want to get my hands on…only to discover it is all in my head.

Once, I thought I could hear Willow and her mother upstairs having a shouting match…about me, awkwardly enough, and my multiplicity/autism/POTS, etc. I thought I could make out some of the words and sentences, and the whole thing upset me (they are both very very fierce women) — until the two of them came downstairs happily talking in a normal tone. The angry voices I heard then instantly disappeared, as they had never been real in the first place. Willow told me later than they hadn’t been speaking loudly or breaking things, or discussing how my inner kids affect my maturity level (which is what I thought her mother was arguing about). However it felt real enough, and it sent my mind spinning.

Yet this ability to hear voices did not hit me so stunningly suddenly. No, I’ve always had a feeling that I am at greater risk for mental health issues than most people. Luckily for me, hearing voices does not necessarily mean that a person has schizophrenia. My background with shamanism led me to be curious about people who hear voices or otherwise hallucinate. How does it feel? Is it purely a mental health issue, or is there strength, healing, and power to be found in hearing voices and seeing energy? Well, now I know some of the answers — and I would not seek to get rid of these spiritual gifts. They are what they are, and have been given to me for a reason.

I’m the type of person who only trusts her own experiences, as much as is possible, anyway. The experiences I had today left me with no doubt that there is more to life and the world than meets the eye.

Right now, I see white, blurry things flying out of the corner of my eye. I hear an Inuit man throat-singing a song I’ve never heard —  but I like it. It sounds like it is coming from outside my own head, like a real noise, but I did not “stage” anything for it to happen (for instance, I did not think about hearing Inuit throat-singing, or otherwise encourage my mind to wander towards a song.) The song simply came as if from thin air. It is an exciting thing when you can recognize that some thoughts of your mind came from elsewhere, from vague “Otherness”, and that you did not quite have a hand in creating those thoughts. Since I believe that the spirit realm is bound neither by space nor time, it could be that your mind might spontaneously and passively “hear” a thought today that you will not actively think or come up with until sometime far in the future. Or perhaps, as I wrote in a poem that I sold to Orson Scott Card —

Thoughts, like vagrants, own
no real estate, but sneak
off through space and even steal,
unnoticed, into someone else’s brain
and leave all the lights on.

So listen to your internal dialogue, and get to know the difference between thoughts that you actively create (by thinking them up), and thoughts that passively come to you (as if from someone/somewhere else). There is so much to learn.

 

*

Here’s a question for anyone who read this far — does anyone have ideas as to how I can help and give offerings to the spirit man who is still sitting on my staircase? He turns sometimes to look at me and I have tried to tell him to “go the light,” as it were. But he is silently waiting for something…