Almost Done! Wool “Portrait” of Terrier-Poo

I’m getting close! The top coat on this sculpture is raw fleece that I hand washed. This is my biggest needle felting project yet, as it is a gift for Willow’s mom and needs to look like her dog! I really hope she likes it…

https://www.etsy.com/shop/HonoringWilderness?ref=hdr_shop_menu

Beau Toy

DID: Why Association is Not My Goal

I am a proud (fierce, even!) multiple with almost countless parts. I am also healing and growing stronger week by week. It’s been several years since my DID/MPD healing journey began, but only one and a half years since the abuse, programming and forced dissociation actually stopped.

It is sometimes assumed that a multiple cannot be healthy, functional, and healed until she has associated all her parts and become singular. I couldn’t disagree more! My brain split itself into parts to cope with extreme trauma, and if I can get all my parts to a happy, non-dissociative place, I will be unstoppable. Multiplicity is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of the brain’s unique ability to survive the most horrific of abuse and trauma.

Also, if I somehow associated right this minute, how would that heal the symptoms my parts and I deal with on a daily basis? Being a multiple means I have tools. I have parts who can help me with all manner of specific issues. If I need to be social, I have parts who can help. If I have a kidney stone passing and I’m in a lot of pain, I have strong parts who can help me get through it.

I love all my different voices and parts. I never want to lose the kids, who bring light and fun to any situation. Associating would mean that I would fully be a singular adult, so how would the kids be completely expressed then?

Who would run through the house screaming, “Bum OUT!!!“?

Who would yell “CHICKENS!!!” at the top of our lungs whenever we pass a poultry /egg farm?

I have plenty of smaller, poly-fragmented parts (we call them shards) that may not be able to stand on their own, so at any time when it feels right, they can associate into their various maker-parts (the larger parts they each split off from). That kind of natural association is critical. If any association comes naturally, then by definition we’re ready for it and it’s the right thing for the system.

However, I can never imagine our big parts associating.

Take Kai, who is almost as big as the host (Story).

Take our Chief Kid Kassie, who is ever so powerful, who could turn us all into hamsters in the blink of an eye.

And let’s not forget Bobby and James (how could we??!), wee ones with BIG voices…

Take Katie-Lynn, beloved mother-figure to the kids and also a kick-ass survivor.

Take Angela, one of the toughest people I’ve ever known.

Take Robert, who once tried to be “smooth” with Katie-Lynn while being dragged around by a bunch of miniature cows. Who is the father-figure to the kids and the most realistic, emotionally honest dude in the system.

Take Sylvia, who can be the sweetest softest soul ever…until you threaten one of us, and then her true strength bursts forth. She’ll cut a bitch!

Take Kodiak, Shannon, Bianca, Rueben, Matt, Allan, Bronte, Griffin…

How could all these flavours ever boil down to just one person?

Long before I’d even heard about DID, I once said to a friend, “You know I’m more than one person, right?” It’s how we’ve always felt, and how we’ll always be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recovering With DID/MPD

An average acquaintance would not know, but I have Dissociation Identity Disorder. My partner calls it Magical Personality Diversity because the term “disorder” does not compute with my outlook — that I will always be a multiple, perhaps with fewer parts, but still a multiple even when I am fully “healed”. I can function as a multiple, when healed from the past, even better than a singular.

We (my system as a whole) have noticed a great deal of healing this past month. All my senses have become alive…food tastes like never before, and I am more observant than ever. I now hear parts of songs that I’ve never noticed despite listening to the songs many times. Watching a movie I’ve “seen” a million times before, I am aware now of how much I never actually saw before.

We have done so much work to make this happen. We’ve never dwelled on the emotional side of things — sure, we’ve had our tears, lots of them. But instead of processing the emotional side of things, we processed the symptoms first. Body memories, PTSD-like symptoms, anxiety — all were attended to by looking for, finding, and working with the personality parts that held those symptoms and memories.

Through it all, we kept saying, “It’s ALL shit. What happened at 2 years-old was just as bad as at 15. No one event, no matter how f’d up it was, was worse than the simple neglect, because it’s ALL SHIT, none of it was right, and it was all their (my perpetrators) fault.”

That mantra saved me a lot of obsessing over some of the difficult topics. Like how sexual abuse isn’t all pain, there is often something that feels good — attention, or your body’s reaction. We didn’t need to emotionally figure this out, because it was ALL SHIT, nothing was my fault — NOTHING. Whatever I felt or did was normal under the circumstances because I had been so conditioned by abuse.

So we have spent all our energy on finding the parts instead. One therapist was intrigued by our approach, which she called “search and rescue”, as opposed to the usual idea of healing by making parts go away (by associating or actually dissociating them).

Healing has brought up out of fear. We can be ourselves — which is to say, I can express all my parts. We no longer worry what people think. If my kid parts want to dance in the middle of the craft store, or get excited when they see chickens at a far, it’s all good.

Yes, there are still triggers, but I practice getting used to the things that irrationally scare me. It’s my own exposure therapy. We don’t have to do it constantly — there are some days when eating/food triggers should just be avoided. But when we’re feeling a little better, we try again.

We ARE healing. I feel like we can even sing and create better than ever before. We feel like we’re waking up and coming to life. Stepping out of a dissociative fog, brave and determined.

A lot of what we do is done because we want to prove that we are stronger than they ever could know. They thought they were making a victim — but they made an army out of me.

Here is a spoken-word poem I wrote and performed. It is VERY TRIGGERING, but powerful too, if you’re in a good place to handle it.

 

Trying to Improve My Needle Felting

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Working on realism, I made another bunny. Adopt him or one like him on my Etsy!

https://www.etsy.com/shop/HonoringWilderness?ref=hdr_shop_menu

Needle Felting turns wool fluff into animals with just a barbed needle. It all began with a pile of wool roving!

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