On Suicide and Self-Destruction

[This could be triggering — but that’s the last thing I intend. If you are suicidal, please reach out. And if you have no one you can talk to, please talk to me.]

So you want to die. Maybe you’ve already opened your skin a little, to see blood and feel alive. I’m not going to tell you how to live — I’m going to tell you how to kill your Self, your ego that hurts so much. And maybe it’s the weirdest advice you’ll ever hear, but life is fucked up sometimes, so hear me out.

You can be free from yourself, and it’s just as thrilling as jumping into traffic. It’s as hardcore as cutting and the risks are high.

Imagine you’re already dead — your Self doesn’t matter — life doesn’t matter — you’re a ghost. Kill yourself in your mind, now, and cut your soul so deep you might never be the same.

You’re already dead; so you have nothing to fear. No responsibilities to worry about.

Have you ever dreamed of throwing yourself in front of an 18-wheeler? With all the thrill of pain and terror and meeting the unknown? I have a different way, and I won’t tell you it’s any better, but why not try? You’re already dead, so what have you got to lose?

Throw yourself in front of a lonely stranger and ask them if they’re okay. Then just listen, like the ghost you are.

I don’t know what will happen. No one does. But you’re dead, so don’t take things so seriously. Laugh like it’s all a joke, this life, and give up all the fear you have left.

Be free from yourself for a little while. It’s a terrifying and thrilling thing. You might find it more exciting than opening your skin or getting high. Instead of giving up your blood and pain, give up energy and time. It’s as risky a sacrifice as physical destruction.

Try something just as exhilarating as standing on the very edge of a bridge. Jump off the edge of your Self and its fears. If you’re into risky behaviour, take risks with your heart and soul.

It may not feel better. And I know you just want to feel better, at the heart of it all. But maybe, just maybe, you’ll find a reason to stay out of traffic and get in front of other people’s rushing souls instead. Maybe if you kill yourself and your fears in your mind, you’ll find the freedom to be yourself in life.

Music: Emergence

Just a very upbeat, happy song to celebrate our emergence from Winter into Spring.

Medicine Wear

That’s me at work, with my headcovering (mostly because I didn’t want to care about my hair today, but also because it helps me connect with Spirit), and my new favourite spirit necklace, that a spirit in me named Europa made. It’s deerskin and wolf pelt with sacred objects: crystals, porcupine claw, beaver tooth, coyote tooth, deer antler, moose tooth, bear claw, a miniature staff, a stone carving of feminine curves, and an old key. I really enjoy it. 

Dressing according to Spirit sometimes changes the way people engage with you, and it’s been a lovely experience. People from other cultures seem to know that I am open minded, and fellow Canadians seem to know that I’ll smile back if they smile at me. So I am happy. 

The Big Question

So, what do you want?

That’s the big question. You think, if I only had more money, I’d be happy. If I only had a better house, I’d be happy. If I only had a better partner, I’d be happy.

It’s a lie. It’s the most dangerous delusion of all. It’s the lie on everyone’s lips and digital screens. The lie tempts us to believe that better happiness is somewhere out there, and you can achieve it like unlocking a quest in a game.

The trick is to notice how it works. Something new comes along and yeah, you feel really good. Not because of the new thing itself, but because of the hope, excitement, and sense of achievement it gives you. And that wears off pretty fast. It will depend on your circumstances but it may not even last a day.

So where’s the real happiness then? Well, look at kids. They’re instinctively happy. They use their imaginations when they have nothing in their hands to create the whole world. And we teach it out of them. We train it out of them. Maybe you had great parents, but the school system let you down. Or maybe your parents tried their best but they were hurting too and couldn’t give the right attention to you. And it stays with you, it grows in you.

So you have to look in yourself and find that little hurting kid, that spark of connection to life and spirit and natural joy. You have to love her and say to her, what do you want? What can I give you?

Maybe that little girl or boy wants to be “crazy” and dance some crazy dance. Then do it. Forget what people think. It doesn’t matter, they’re all hurting and broken too, and if they judge you, it’s coming from a place of pain and jealousy. So find out what that little child inside you wants, and do it. 

Do you want to believe in faeries? Do you want to run off benches, trying to fly? Do you want to splash in a stream? Do you want to giggle and have someone play with you? Find a way to make it happen.

Maybe you need love, deep unconditional love. I’ll tell you, you can receive and receive and receive love but if you don’t have faith in it, faith that you’re worthy and faith that the love is real, it’s nothing. So it depends on you. You have to start it. You have to keep the faith going.

Maybe you feel all alone and no one cares. That’s really tough. But you have to say to yourself, I have faith in my worth. I have faith in the universe. And when someone smiles at you, be grateful. Get to a place of gratitude, that’s your foundation. You will find people who respect you when you respect yourself.

Gratitude journals are great but it’s really about connecting with gratitude in the moment. Learning to feel gratitude when it’s really happening to you. When the wind makes your skin feel good, be grateful and smile. When someone says hello, be grateful for the contact and connection. 

You’ll lose yourself in the moment when you connect with the moment. Connect with gratitude and grace and spirit. The next step is to give out the emotion. Keep yourself busy giving out the joy that gratitude gave you. Give it out as a symbol of thanks. More will come. 

Life will always challenge you. Or else you wouldn’t know you were alive. But connect with it. Face it. Take your past and give to yourself the freedom to exist as you are. Then connect with gratitude, and you will feel the real joy that makes you really want to give out joy to others, as thanks.

Joy

I used to dream that I had died, and the afterlife was a beautiful continuation of your life, the only difference being that you knew you were dead.

In this way I am dead to my old life. I have changed so much in an instant, seemingly. And maybe there is a golden age coming for us all.

I have heard that it merely takes the square root of 1% of the population to awaken to joy for it to enter the collective consciousness and flow through to everyone. Perhaps this is true, and our time is coming soon.

May it be.

Blessed be.

Being Healed

I seem to have reached a gentle sort of enlightenment, except I suspect that others would merely call it “being alive” or “being whole”. To those already here, I greet you warmly, and to those that will follow, I hope to do some small thing to help lead the way.

I feel this is a magical and wondrous age, as the Q’ero shamans believe (and many others too). An age where we can heal ourselves and each other.

I have never been so free, so happy, so full, so wild, so alive, so loving.

I wish everyone will reach this place.

Life is Beautiful

If you haven’t watched this documentary, do! And if you are feeling down, watch it again.