In us we have it all, we’re wild
country and deep root cellars.
Our fingers sift
flowers and light, we knit
sunbeams cast like scarves
for air, we ride
summer’s long shadows until the day
bleeds out and kisses
our newborn cheeks — hello, goodbye.
Raucous life lives here
in us, we have it all,
joined hands and stray strands
of hair streaming
long behind us all, telling
time another kind of tale, one
where we lift
up and know what we always were:
us the lovers,
us the heroes,
us all in us.
I will not be this person any longer. I am not this child.
*
The polite child never argues,
never raises her voice, never speaks
unless spoken to, never questions
her captors. She never requires
anything, neither sustenance nor
love, but does what she’s told
as promptly and perfectly
as a wind-up toy. In the right hands,
she can be wound up to do
anything. She knows what she ought
to say, and only says this; she knows
how she ought to act, and only acts
thusly. Yet, being a child, she needs
constant correction, if only to remind
her of her place. Punishment
can be dealt at any time, regardless
of her behavior, and she will beg
to know how best to please
her captors.
I’ve been doing a lot of mental and spiritual work around the abuses I’ve suffered in my life, and this leads to me wanting to express my thoughts and feelings in various media.
Why write about my abuse? It is, admittedly, mainly for me. It gives me an outlet for the hordes of confusing, sometimes conflicting, or simply overwhelming emotions that swirl within. But I hope it will also inspire survivors to use their voice and speak openly (in a safe environment) about their experiences. Often survivors are silenced, their abuse smothered by legal terms or sugar-coated with vague words. I choose to be raw and gritty and speak my truth as vividly as possible.
The following video is me singing along to Patti Smith’s Pissing in a River, overlaid with tracks of a very triggering poem I wrote. Again, this is VERY TRIGGERING, so listen safely.
Where Spirit Stops 