DID: Why Association is Not My Goal

I am a proud (fierce, even!) multiple with almost countless parts. I am also healing and growing stronger week by week. It’s been several years since my DID/MPD healing journey began, but only one and a half years since the abuse, programming and forced dissociation actually stopped.

It is sometimes assumed that a multiple cannot be healthy, functional, and healed until she has associated all her parts and become singular. I couldn’t disagree more! My brain split itself into parts to cope with extreme trauma, and if I can get all my parts to a happy, non-dissociative place, I will be unstoppable. Multiplicity is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of the brain’s unique ability to survive the most horrific of abuse and trauma.

Also, if I somehow associated right this minute, how would that heal the symptoms my parts and I deal with on a daily basis? Being a multiple means I have tools. I have parts who can help me with all manner of specific issues. If I need to be social, I have parts who can help. If I have a kidney stone passing and I’m in a lot of pain, I have strong parts who can help me get through it.

I love all my different voices and parts. I never want to lose the kids, who bring light and fun to any situation. Associating would mean that I would fully be a singular adult, so how would the kids be completely expressed then?

Who would run through the house screaming, “Bum OUT!!!“?

Who would yell “CHICKENS!!!” at the top of our lungs whenever we pass a poultry /egg farm?

I have plenty of smaller, poly-fragmented parts (we call them shards) that may not be able to stand on their own, so at any time when it feels right, they can associate into their various maker-parts (the larger parts they each split off from). That kind of natural association is critical. If any association comes naturally, then by definition we’re ready for it and it’s the right thing for the system.

However, I can never imagine our big parts associating.

Take Kai, who is almost as big as the host (Story).

Take our Chief Kid Kassie, who is ever so powerful, who could turn us all into hamsters in the blink of an eye.

And let’s not forget Bobby and James (how could we??!), wee ones with BIG voices…

Take Katie-Lynn, beloved mother-figure to the kids and also a kick-ass survivor.

Take Angela, one of the toughest people I’ve ever known.

Take Robert, who once tried to be “smooth” with Katie-Lynn while being dragged around by a bunch of miniature cows. Who is the father-figure to the kids and the most realistic, emotionally honest dude in the system.

Take Sylvia, who can be the sweetest softest soul ever…until you threaten one of us, and then her true strength bursts forth. She’ll cut a bitch!

Take Kodiak, Shannon, Bianca, Rueben, Matt, Allan, Bronte, Griffin…

How could all these flavours ever boil down to just one person?

Long before I’d even heard about DID, I once said to a friend, “You know I’m more than one person, right?” It’s how we’ve always felt, and how we’ll always be.








8 thoughts on “DID: Why Association is Not My Goal

  1. Thank you so much for this! I totally agree. Just found you by the way! Nice to “meet” you. I don’t know any other people who have survived what I did. I guess this is the first time I’ve looked. Anyways, really appreciate what you wrote here. I have been pushed for this also and disagree but could not have put it into words as well as you did!

    1. Thank you so much. I haven’t heard from a lot of survivors who are really taking control and healing so I’m glad to meet you too! Too many people rely on the advice of therapists who are not always right…I’m glad you’re doing what is right for you. Best wishes and blessings to you.

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