I see the world in pieces. My big secret is that even though I know I’m intelligent, I don’t understand movies or books until I’ve experienced them over and over. I need to collect all the pieces before I see the whole picture and make sense of it. Sometimes even a photograph will baffle me – I don’t know what I’m seeing, or what I’m supposed to see.
Maybe it’s because I’m so fragmented on the inside. I’ve said before that I experience myself as containing multiple souls, multiple personalities. It’s not like the way they portray it on television, where the various personalities are so separate that they don’t communicate well with each other. There’s blending. But you can ask me if I like something, and I’ll have a dozen different answers. I’m just more than one person, inside.
But there’s a lot about shamanism that has helped me to resolve this.
First of all, shamans are those who can see in the dark, so they say. And seeing in the dark is something I do well. We go for night drives and I know where the animals are, even before my eyes catch a glimmer of them. We carry powerful flashlights and when I know there’s something in a field, far off, we turn on the lights and reveal deer or raccoon.
Seeing the dark has taught me how to see in the day. I make sense of the pieces of the world by seeing in the dark – by putting my inner senses to good use, and getting a feel for things, intuitively.
And then there’s soul retrieval, which is so akin to how I’ve discovered my inner parts, my personalities, and brought them to light. There’s now four really big pieces inside, four extremely well-developed personalities who are like birds too wild for their cages. Now I have to be brave and start letting them out, to really take control of me and my life for parts of the day. There’s a whole herd of other personalities who don’t need to be out so much, but they get their time too.
Shamanism has taught me how to honour these personalities like spirits, and know they are real, and incorporate them into the heart of me. There may come a day when all of us inside come together and integrate into one being. But for now, we’re enjoying the journey.