Little deaths

Last night I was happier than I have ever been in my life. And last night, I thought I was going to die.

But it didn’t have to happen that literally. We were out driving (of course), throwing apples to any deer or raccoon we saw along the way. I know feeding wild animals is frowned upon, but I think deer munch on fallen apples anyway, and we didn’t approach them. 

So I was spilling my guts to my partner, who, bless her heart, doesn’t think I’m crazy. But she was telling me I had to give up a few things I’d been obsessing about, and it hurt like hell. I felt distant from her, bawling my eyes out, and that was enough death for me. She means everything to me.

But everything we said and did and saw and heard had additional layers of meaning. Everything was clicking into place, making perfect sense. Even every song on my mix CD had new meaning. 

We came upon a dead rabbit, and that symbolized my death too. Then everything went dark and quiet for a while, and like I said, it was hell.

Then the deer came back again. See, deer is my primary spirit animal. In a way, I AM deer. I called out to it, “Have you come back to me now?” 

And all was beautiful. We saw another herd of deer nestled up sleeping (!) by the road.  Dreaming their deer-dreams.

I felt and said that all would be new again when I woke up in the morning. And it is. My favourite cat seems more orange and wild than ever. I’m changed too. 

Blessed be, blessed be.

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